The Brake System
A system to help you put the brakes on before saying and doing something you regret.
Whoever said “Don't let the sun go down on your anger” was so wrong.
Please sleep on your anger, think on your anger, workout on your anger. People can’t unhear what you say and people can’t unsee what you do when you are angry. Now we all make mistakes-me included-but the goal is to learn from our mistakes and not make the same ones again. Using the Brake System can help get you the time and space you need to manage difficult emotions in order to respond in the way that aligns with the person you want to be. And yes, pun intended, I’m calling it a Brake versus a break because we are slowing the car down.
Prior to the Brake
Discuss a key word or key phrase to use for the Brake. For some people certain words or phrases may trigger past traumas and we want to be aware of that. So prior to needing a break you and your partner (or loved one or co worker, etc.-but I will use the term partner for the remainder) need to collaborate on a phrase or key word.
Next you need to collaborate to determine the length of the Brake. I don’t recommend less than 20 min or more than 24 hours (there can be exceptions to this for very good reasons). Decide on the time prior to needing a break. Also keep in mind that this length of time does’t require a person to be “ready.” This is simply the next check in time.
Initiating the Brake
Anyone can initiate the Brake at any time. The initiating partner uses the key word or phrase and the receiving partner says “ok.” Nothing else. The conversation stops. The key is: no conversation happens after the Brake is initiating and not during the agreed upon time table.
During the Brake
BOTH parties will bring the level of intensity down. The point of a brake is not to gather evidence to be used to tell your partner why you are right. The point is also not to increase your intensity during the break. It is also not to be used to be mad about why the other person needed a break. We will not judge breaks.
Do whatever it is you need to do to decrease your intensity to a 3-4 on a scale of 1 (low) - 10 (high). Breathing, guided imagery, binaural beats, bilateral stimulation, etc.
After the Brake
The initiating partner returns to the receiving partner at the determined length of time to either start the conversation or to continue another Brake. The receiving partner can consent to start the conversation or may schedule another time to continue the discussion. The key is: whoever pauses the conversation has to come back to the conversation.
The conversation will start by the initiating partner summarizing what the receiving partner was saying during the last conversation. The receiving partner will either confirm or clarify. Then the conversation begins again, remember the point of conversations is to understand your partner AND to express that you understand your partner-not to get your point across.
